The Power Player and the Victim: The Two Sides of Narcissism

Personality psychology is fascinating.

It explores the unique ways people think, feel, and behave – helping us understand why we are the way we are. It explains our individual differences, reveals hidden motivations, and helps us to navigate relationships.

It influences our behaviours, our actions, our decision making, and our approach to risk and reward.

Often when we talk about personality, we aren’t really talking about personality; we’re referring to the observed behaviours. But personality is deeper than what we observe.

We might think of it as our default operating system.

Like a computer, we all have a base manner that we’re set up to run. It’s energy efficient and following this default’s “wiring” minimises how much cognitive energy we use, and our bodies reward us for that efficiency. It’s why we might like to be in the company of others, or thrive when we’re being creative – whilst others may find themselves exhausted in the same situation.

But, like a computer, we download various apps through our life that others might more easily observe. These apps are our learned behaviours, our coping mechanisms, and our conscious decisions.

For example, you might have default setting (if you pardon the continuation of the analogy) that results in a preference for observing, listening to others, and reflecting on the information. But you might have learned that if you don’t speak up in the meeting, your influence might be lessened. So, you speak up: a learned behaviour.

To the observer, you might look as though you are naturally more sociable, outspoken or forthright. But, you’re actually playing out of type.

What you’re projecting isn’t necessarily your real personality. It’s a persona; a mask. A cultivated – whether consciously or unconsciously – view curated for the audience, group, context or situation.

All of us do this. But some are more and some are less adept than others. Narcissism fits into both of these categories.

Narcissism

Narcissism is what psychologists call a trait dimension.

A dimension is sliding scale, which everyone will reside on at some point. We all have a level of trait narcissism. A personality trait is a combination of several lower-level facets of personality, with each facet also being a dimension.

Sounds confusing? Consider this example:

Extraversion is also a personality dimension. It the emergent result of six facets, which make up the overall dimension:

• Assertiveness – The tendency to take charge, speak up, and lead conversations.
• Gregariousness – The degree to which someone enjoys social interaction and being around others.
• Activity Level – How fast-paced and energetic a person is in daily life.
• Excitement-Seeking – The preference for stimulation, thrills, and new experiences.
• Positive Emotions – The tendency to experience joy, enthusiasm, and optimism.
• Warmth (Friendliness) – The inclination to be affectionate, approachable, and friendly.

As an example, imagine that an individual scores highly in each of these facets except Gregariousness. This individual would still be an Extravert in the resultant assessment, but an extravert that doesn’t necessarily enjoy the sociability and interaction of others.

Narcissism is also an emergent trait dimension, constructed from a complex matrix of facets that underpin its identification.

This means that, from a personality viewpoint, there are different types of narcissism. It also means that we might observe behaviours in someone that we might classify as narcissism but are not driven by an aspect of their default operating system; their personality.

Broadly, trait narcissism can be categorised into two flavours: Grandiose and Vulnerable.

The Power Player: Grandiose Narcissism

The most recognisable form of trait narcissism is the Grandiose flavour.

At the lower end of the dimension, there can be benefits to this trait. Having mental resilience and bouncing back from setbacks, being optimistic (in part because rules don’t apply to them), and rationally pivoting direction quickly are often lauded in our entrepreneurs and leaders.

But we’ve likely all encountered high-end individuals who constantly brag about their achievements, belittles others, and seek admiration from employees and people around them.

Personality Facets

The grandiose variety of trait narcissism is well researched, in terms of personality traits and facets. These individuals tend to have:

• High Extraversion, rooted in facets of:
  • Assertiveness – Grandiose narcissists are dominant, socially bold, and eager to take charge.
  • Excitement-Seeking – They crave stimulation, novelty, and attention, often engaging in risk-taking behaviour.
  • Activity Level – They tend to be highly energetic and driven in pursuit of success or admiration.

• Low Agreeableness, rooted in facets of:
  • Modesty (Low) – They see themselves as superior and rarely display humility.
  • Altruism (Low) – They lack genuine concern for others and may exploit people for personal gain.
  • Straightforwardness (Low) – They are often deceptive, manipulative, or insincere in their interactions.
  • Compliance (Low) – They are highly competitive, aggressive, and resistant to cooperation.

• Low to Moderate Neuroticism, rooted in facets of:
  • Vulnerability (Low) – Unlike vulnerable narcissists, grandiose narcissists appear emotionally resilient and confident.
  • Self-Consciousness (Low) – They do not experience much social anxiety or fear of embarrassment.
  • Angry Hostility (Moderate to High) – They can be reactive and aggressive when their self-image is threatened.

At its simplest level, this combination of facets and traits mixes disagreeableness, outcome-focus, a lack of self-awareness and the need for external recognition.

This is the prototypical narcissist: The brash, loud, “notice me because I’m special” type, who displays behaviours associated with entitlement, peacockery and dominance.

But there is another variety. One that is more difficult to identify but is potentially more derailing in their behaviours: the vulnerable narcissist.

The Victim: Vulnerable Narcissism

Whereas Grandiose narcissism is grounded in the individual’s perceived self-importance and emotional stability associated with low neuroticism, Vulnerable narcissism follows a different pattern.

Rather than a preference for external stimuli from the recognition of others, these individuals tend to be low in extraversion. They don’t perceive themselves as special; they’re misunderstood geniuses, who are sensitive to criticism.

• High Neuroticism, rooted in facets of:
  • Anxiety – Vulnerable narcissists are frequently worried and insecure.
  • Depression – They experience feelings of worthlessness and low self-esteem.
  • Self-Consciousness – They are highly sensitive to judgment and rejection.
  • Angry Hostility – While not as outwardly aggressive as grandiose narcissists, they may harbour resentment and passive-aggressive tendencies.
  • Vulnerability – They feel easily overwhelmed and struggle with emotional regulation.
• Low Extraversion (Introversion), rooted in facets of:
  • Assertiveness (Low) – They are socially withdrawn and avoid taking charge.
  • Activity Level (Low) – They tend to be passive and hesitant in action.
  • Positive Emotions (Low) – They experience fewer moments of joy and enthusiasm.
• Low Agreeableness (Antagonism), rooted in facets of:
  • Trust (Low) – They are suspicious and distrustful of others.
  • Straightforwardness (Low) – They may be passive-aggressive or indirectly manipulative.
  • Compliance (Low) – They struggle with cooperation and can be resentful.
  • Modesty (Low to Moderate) – They may feel inferior but still believe they deserve special treatment.

This blend of facets and traits can result in a person who constantly feels unappreciated, secretly resents others’ success, and reacts defensively to constructive feedback.

Both types share a sense of entitlement and self-importance but express it in very different ways. Grandiose narcissists are openly egotistical, while vulnerable narcissists tend to be more covert and emotionally fragile. The entitlement of the grandiose is insecurity in the vulnerable.

This means the vulnerable narcissist’s behaviours have the potential to be more insipid, manipulative and difficult to identify – particularly as they have more self-awareness than the grandiose and can mask those behaviours driven by their default operating system.

Managing Vulnerable Narcissists

Dealing with vulnerable narcissists in a workplace setting – whether as a colleague, employee, or manager – requires a mix of firm boundaries, emotional intelligence, and strategic communication. Unlike grandiose narcissists, vulnerable narcissists are hypersensitive, insecure, and prone to passive-aggressive behaviour, making them tricky to manage.

As with all personality facets and traits, there are benefits in some contexts.

The need for validation and catalyse the need to work harder to help others finally recognise their worth. This also includes trying new, untested approaches. Because of their own awareness of emotional sensitivities, they can feel and nurture empathy – at least selectively – with others, which can be a benefit in intimate coaching scenarios, including more difficult conversations, counselling and therapy.

Managing vulnerable narcissists requires a balance of empathy and firm boundaries. They crave validation but also struggle with self-worth, which means acknowledging their concerns without enabling toxic behaviours:

Manage Their Sensitivity to Criticism

✅ Give feedback carefully – Frame criticism constructively and privately to avoid triggering excessive defensiveness.

🚫 Avoid direct confrontation – They may react with withdrawal, resentment, or even subtle retaliation.

Example: Instead of saying, “Your report was poorly written,” try, “I noticed a few areas for improvement – let’s refine them together.”

Set Clear Boundaries

✅ Be firm but tactful – Don’t let their emotional reactions dictate workplace decisions.

🚫 Don’t fall into their guilt traps – They may use self-victimization to avoid accountability.

Example: If they frequently complain about feeling unappreciated, acknowledge their feelings but don’t overcompensate or enable self-pity.

Avoid Power Struggles or Personal Attacks

✅ Keep interactions professional – Focus on facts, not emotions.

🚫 Don’t engage in their emotional rollercoaster – They might sulk or hold grudges when things don’t go their way.

Example: If they claim, “No one ever listens to my ideas,” redirect with, “Let’s find a way to incorporate your input in a productive way.”

Reinforce Accountability & Teamwork

✅ Encourage collaboration – This prevents them from feeling excluded or undervalued.

🚫 Don’t let them play the victim – If they make excuses, redirect them to solutions.

Example: If they miss a deadline and blame stress, say, “I understand. What steps can we take to prevent this next time?”

Protect Team Morale

✅ Recognise and manage emotional undercurrents – Their insecurity can create tension in the team.

🚫 Don’t let them undermine workplace harmony – Gossip and passive-aggression should be addressed directly.

Example: If they subtly criticise others, respond with, “Let’s focus on solutions rather than blame.”

Final Thought

Grandiose narcissism is easier to spot, and simpler to handle. Massaging the individual’s ego, showering their ideas with compliments and supporting their viewpoint are all ways to the heart of the grandiose. We see this in high-profile public arenas, where these individuals make bold, outlandish statements and a sycophantic circle support them in a modern reimagining of the Emperor’s New Clothes folktale.

However, not all grandiose behaviours are results of personality.

When it comes to others, we can only see their downloaded apps – not their default operating system. We can see their Actions and Behaviours – not their Cognition and Desires.

However, we have the benefit that we can see our A, B, C and D. We can rationalise the same Actions and Behaviours we see in others, because we have the ability to understand our own thoughts and motivations.

It’s perfectly possible to be entitled or display confidence that can be interpreted as high a self-importance but is not driven by narcissistic traits. We must be careful in the language we use not to label the behaviour as the personality.

Similarly, individuals that may appear anxious and worrisome can also have narcissistic traits but they may be dismissed as being fretsome, overreactive or oversensitive.  

While vulnerable narcissism can cause interpersonal challenges, it also has hidden strengths when channelled correctly. If managed with self-awareness and support, individuals with these traits can be highly motivated, insightful, and even empathetic in the right contexts.

It can be argued that it is our roles as individuals and as leaders to create the environment where others can thrive. This includes individuals that might have personalities traits that seem at odds with our own. We might even label those traits pejoratively.

But there are benefits to every trait and facet in some situations.

And it is also our role as leaders to recognise these appropriate and inappropriate situations, and to be able to approach the context and individual(s) with self-awareness and support.